In Between Days

I’m going to be 64 years old in a months time. It’s a strange age…it’s not really one thing nor the other. Too old to be young and too young to be old. Stuck in the middle whilst all around the world is changing. Like being stranded on an island surrounded by quicksand…should you move? If so, which way?

Add the two strokes last year, it’s an interesting time to be alive. I don’t know if how I feel is due to ageing or my strokes, or maybe a bit of both? And how much is due to what’s happening in the world generally? A mixture I guess.

Anyway here’s what I’m thinking.

1. What’s important to me is generally of no interest to anybody else. And that used to be a problem, I wanted people to like what I liked and indeed like me. Nowadays I genuinely don’t care.
2. Although I’m “too old to be young and too young to be old” I realise most of my life is behind me, it’s been done. At best I reckon I’ll get another 20 years but given recent events, it could be a lot less. Pretty daunting, but true nonetheless. Makes you appreciate every day!
3. If it is a lot less then that’s OK, I’ve had a great life, helped produce a wonderful family who are good people, my beautiful grandson continues the bloodline. I’ve experienced a lot, mostly good things; I think I’ve given a bit back to society; I’ve pretty much done what I wanted and achieved some goals I had. Hopefully I’ll keep adding to my memories but if not, no worries.
4. I don’t want to keep trying to repeat the past, trying to recreate what I used to do. Those (mostly great) days have gone, and I still have the appetite to do new things. Focusing on these in what time I have left is the way forward. One of the reasons for quitting drinking alcohol was to give myself a different framework for my remaining time (having seen the previous 50 years through a lens where alcohol dominates our lives). Looking at it with a different perspective is interesting and often entertaining.
5. I have become more selfish, primarily because I’m the only person who can control what happens in my future, and I’m really the only one that’s genuinely interested. This means I will do what I want to do, but just as importantly I will not do what I really don’t want to do. Even if it upsets people. People can do what they like, I will not judge them, but equally I will not waste my precious time on things which I don’t want to do.
6. Similarly, I will not spend more time than I need to with people I don’t like. I’m not at work anymore, I don’t have to deal with people with no humility, gratitude or respect in exchange for my monthly salary. This is one of the major advantages of retirement. We live in a changing and evolving world that is generally becoming a better place, but the gradual discarding of traditional values of politeness, humility and respect and the increasing domination of money above all else, worries me. It won’t end well because what’s happening divides and polarises people, but at least I don’t think I’ll be around to see how it turns out.
7. I do not like large, noisy crowds, particularly when they hem me in. In particular there’s something weird and unappealing about groups of people who seem to be trying to recreate their youth, even if it is at the expense of others enjoyment.
8. The increasing monetisation of music events, despite it meaning a poor and declining experience, is sad and worrying. Worrying that so many people are prepared to pay massive money to NOT see or hear their heroes, to watch the big screen. It’s actually very sad that so many can’t see what’s happening. The music is an incidental, this is about selling merchandise, food and drink. It’s about making rich corporations even richer, and the artists involved are equally to blame, they don’t have to acquiesce.
9. In the meantime, small music venues and theatres (it’s not just the music industry) are going to the wall - subsumed by the big boys commoditising lazy artists in order to grow ‘revenue per head’. Sounds like a corporate spreadsheet. These small venues not only foster creativity and support new and upcoming talent, they are meeting places for small communities of like-minded people who are honestly interested in listening and watching, and not spoiling it for others by talking out loud.
10. My strategy is to avoid big, crowded places. I want space and I want peace. I want to be able to appreciate what I’m watching and listening. If I can’t do that, I’m not interested and I’m not going.

To be continued…